55 5

When to write a man off?

I waffle on this a lot having just re-entered the dating world about a year ago. You have a solid first date. Then radio silence. What’s an acceptable amount of time to give him? What’s an acceptable amount of time before you cross him off the list as a non-starter?

For context: no, I’m not waiting by the phone. I’ve had men text that night and had men vanish for 6 weeks and resurface. And I am dating around plenty. So, this is not a pity party. It’s... for science.
#ididntdateinhighschool

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By brainyactress7
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8

It's been said that it takes about a year before a person feels comfortable enough to let their guard down and show their true self. You can't expect to get to know someone in a few dates. If you really want to get to know someone quickly, live with them. That'll tell you a lot about a person really quick! People need to realize that not everyone moves as quick (or slow) as other people. That excitement that some feel when they first meet someone often fades over time. I like to call this NRE (New Relationship Energy). It's that primal urge/instinct to copulate. Succumb to the urges of pleasure. I like sex as much as the next guy (maybe even more), but I'm not interested in anything that isn't genuine and long term/life long when it comes to a relationship. So if you are expecting me to be all over that after just a few dates... well, it's gonna be a disappointing start to a budding relationship.

Your comment pretty much nails it.

I’m expecting him to reach out because he said he would. I don’t expect to move in with him. Gosh, y’all!

@brainyactress Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who will just tell you what they think you want to hear rather than be honest.

On the other hand, if you're truly interested you've got to be authentic about it or risk losing out, right?

6

I want to thank all the people who voted for parking outside his home. 😈😁

brainyactress Level 7 Dec 4, 2018

Please don't stalk it only perpetuates the penis perpetrators

6

If a man doesn’t contact you pretty much fairly soon, he’s just not that into you. Especially if a man comes out of the woodwork six weeks later. There was another offer on the table that didn’t pan out.

Green_eyes Level 7 Dec 4, 2018

No, no, Mr. Six Weeks didn’t get a response at all. Mr. six Days is a harder read.

Edited

@brainyactress I agree with that.. I opted for three days as the cut off for me. I’m too old for games. You either want to see me again or you don’t. Im very pragmatic like that.

Nobody should tolerate being on a date list or little black book...2 timer triple timing hareem hoarder is a germ typhoid Mary waiting to infest all of us

@GreenAtheist Huh?

@brainyactress respectful dating is not silent or evasive

6

It is a no go if neither one of you expresses an interest in a next meeting. If there isn’t sparkles flying after the first meet up then I figure there never will be.

Holiday Level 7 Dec 4, 2018

We both did at the end of the date and he parted with “I’m going to send you my number.”

@brainyactress Oh oh. Red flag. In that case three days max.

@brainyactress however you made a date, this jerk is a liar not sending you his #

6

I chose being a stalker... because it's hilarious & well, I like hiding in the bushes.... 😂😂😂
But seriously I'd give it a few days at least

tinebean Level 7 Dec 4, 2018

I was going to give a well thought out potentially helpful response and then I saw that option. Just glad I’m not the only one.

I think I love you!

@RiverRick Awesome! I’m at the door.

5

If I feel they are uninterested and not responding for a few days, I'll come right out and ask if there is interest so that nobody is wasting their time. No response, is a response.

valerina Level 7 Dec 4, 2018

Yes. In these days of chickenshit texting behavior, no response might as well be a flashing neon sign. It's really pathetic when people's response to ghosting are sad little fantasies about "ooh, maybe something awful happened to him... I hope he's okay?"

Edited
5

You don’t wait!!
You keep moving on until you are happy
You’re not happy if you are waiting

emarie Level 3 Dec 4, 2018

It’s not so much hanging on. I’m wondering what’s a good deadline to refuse to respond to future contacts. Like if I never hear from him again, whatevs. But what if he calls at 10 days? A month? I have a date tonight and two other established beaus, so there’s no waiting around. Just trying to figure it all out.

@brainyactress 3 - 6 days is not unreasonable. If a man waited 10 days to call me after a first date, I'd be asking him to remind me how we know one another.

4

If you like someone let them go. If they come back then you have something to further develop. If not then there was never anything to begin with.

Nevermind345 Level 7 Dec 4, 2018

But how long do I give them to come back. That’s the question. At what point does my ship sail?

@brainyactress If it's not worth waiting for then it's not worth having.

@Nevermind345 If women waited like that for men, we would never stop waiting.

4

If you had a great time and don't hear from him within 24 hrs., that's a red flag imo. I voted 3 days though, to give the benefit of doubt, in case he suffered some major calamity.

daylily Level 7 Dec 4, 2018

My thoughts exactly.

Somebody who is really into you is NOT going to wait around -- a week, two, a month -- before making contact again.

You KNOW what kind of mate you want @brainyactress. Do you want one whose level of interest and excitement about your presence in his life falls to that level? Probably not.

That said, like @daylily said -- stuff happens in life, so I'd give the three days, but after that, my decision for me would be that he simply is not interested ENOUGH.

3

I'll give them 24 hours. If things went well and they're truly interested, they should be excited to continue speaking with you. If they stop talking to you after the first date, then it's time to move on and focus your energy on someone worth your time.

foxycontin Level 4 Dec 5, 2018
3

I would expect some sort of contact within 24 hrs. Have you contacted him? If at least one of you isn't excited enough about the encounter to follow up then its probably a nonstarter. Not saying I would write him off completely, just move on in my head.
If you really aren't waiting by the phone at all and it is for science because you really don't care then mabey you should just let it be.

MsAl Level 7 Dec 4, 2018

No, I agree. It’s just between scheduling and kids and work, I almost need a spreadsheet to keep up with the people in my life. Those spaces are valuable. Just figuring out the sweet spot for who gets my psychic energy and who gets deleted. There seems to be no in between.

3

What would I know? #ididn'tdateinhighschooleither

Right?!

@brainyactress apparently, there are rules ...

3

If your wanting him to make the move for a 2nd date, he may just be oblivious that the first went so well. He might be nervous because he in fact does like you and is unsure how to proceed. I would say if you really like him and want to see him again don't wait, make this step your self and let him know. I said 3 days he might have stuff going on work/family/friends, but life is short and men are sometimes a bit dense.

Truthseeker83 Level 4 Dec 4, 2018
3

I voted for 24 hours. If they aren’t excited, than it isn’t a match.
Shyness/anxiety could forgive a few days. But a week? Then I’m a fallback.
Compatibility is fickle.

Annaleda Level 8 Dec 4, 2018
2

Always go into things with no expectations, only what’s in the moment...Enjoy that time for what it is.

WXYZ Level 4 Dec 8, 2018

@Shelton I think that when we let go of expectations we can then enjoy what is there

I take this a bit too far perhaps, and always assume Im going to be stood up. With this in mind I schedule meets for places I'd enjoy if I went alone. It makes sense to me.

@Hellas I had one person ditch me, I try to keep it convenient and simple. Of course that was the one time the meeting place was more complicated...It was upsetting.

Edited
2

I would have put Two days but it was not a option. If a guy is truly interested then he won't wait that long to talk again.

swantech72 Level 3 Dec 6, 2018

Yeah, I've read that in the internet dating age the 3-day-rule is obsolete.

2

Christ on a bike! Guess who just slid into my DMs?! See this is where my question lies. A solid week of no contact WHEN HE SPECIFICALLY SAID HE WAS GOING TO SEND ME HIS NUMBER SO WE MIGHT TEXT. I liked the date but am I rewarding bad behavior? I want people who are into me. Is he just not really?! Gah! Dating, y’all! It ain’t for the weak... just the crazy. 😏😂😭🎉

brainyactress Level 7 Dec 5, 2018

well, if you really liked the date, you are only restricting yourself with all these thoughts! I mean why him contacting first gotta be the only determining fact if he's into you or not? There are literally thousands of ways to find that out even after you contact him.

I feel it's better to keep the control to yourself rather that falling at others mercy by passing the ball and wait! Live your nickname now, will ya?

Bullshit. Why didn't he give his number right there? 3 days at the outside to say he had fun and appreciated the company. NEXT!

He may have been busy or uncertain ... He texted. ... Now decide if you'll respond. 😉 glad he got back to you.

Therapists have told me we teach people how to treat us by what we allow them to do. If something bothets you, mention it. If it keeps happening, you'll have your answer.

2

I've been talked off, jerked off and blown off. Being written off sounds epic. I can't wait!

CallMeDave Level 8 Dec 5, 2018
2

Any more than 48 hours after the date or you texting him... you done been ghosted! Do NOT listen to half-assed explanations about why they couldn't do this or that. All you'll learn is you've met a serial bullsh-tter. If someone is really interested in you they will contact you either after the date or right after you contact them. And they will follow it up with appropriate action (not endless BS texts). Hopefully, you will both deal with each other as (supposedly) mature adults.

PalacinkyPDX Level 8 Dec 4, 2018
2

I think in today's society that women shodul feel free to make a follow up call. Phone lines work in tow diractions. Waiting for HIM to call is giving in to conventions and putting all the power into HIS hands. As a gay man, I'd never let a man have that much dominance over me. If you want equal say in a relationship, you need to establish it right from the start.

snytiger6 Level 8 Dec 4, 2018

You’d think so but as much as I hate to admit it, men hate it. I wish they didn’t. I used to totally pursue whenever I wanted. Men have taught me not to.

@brainyactress Hmmm. I'm feel like I am always the one to initiate.

@Dandewine I used to be. What I’ve learned is that if I back way the hell off and give no pursuit at all besides being kind and polite as called for, they treat me so much better.

@brainyactress I am not saying call many times. Just one call is enough (after 2-3 days). If he still doesn't call, then move on.

2

Okay three days is reasonable, but joining a convent is still the less painful option compared to dating.

Kojaksmom Level 8 Dec 4, 2018

Seems like it sometimes... if only I didn’t love men so much.

@brainyactress I know! it sucks doesn't it!

@Kojaksmom That women still love and desire men is proof that sexuality is not a choice.

@brainyactress With all the games women play these days, it goes both ways.....

@TomMcGiverin it does, we know

2

3 days was the old normal.. 6 days of he has a good excuse as to why .

hippydog Level 7 Dec 4, 2018
2

#ididn'tdateinhighschooleither - I was engaged in HS and almost no experience dating. I guess I would say I am a serial monogamist - but I voted 6 days.

Dandewine Level 7 Dec 4, 2018

Engaged in high school? What is this madness??

@maturin1919 Yeah - my parents were kind of absentee and I had no guidance. I was engaged at 16 and made a lot of bad choices back then.

@Dandewine I'm glad you survived!

2

This before or after you let them out of the basement ???

Simon1 Level 7 Dec 4, 2018

[giphy.com]

2

Why hang on for any amount of time?
Most men wouldn’t so why should y’all

48thRonin Level 8 Dec 4, 2018

It’s not so much hanging on. I’m wondering what’s a good deadline to refuse to respond to future contacts. Like if I never hear from him again, whatevs. But what if he calls at 10 days? A month? I have a date tonight so there’s no waiting around. Just trying to figure it all out.

@brainyactress Well speaking from my personal behavior I can tell you this that if after going out with a woman I felt like that time wasn’t enough then I’d reach right back out.

If I was moderately impressed but I also had others that I was dating then I’d do so in a couple of days.
But if you were ok to hang out with but not someone that I’d want to be in relationship with then I’d reach out whenever.

Or if you were an absolute fucking nightmare I wouldn’t say anything to you but if I was in public and you were to see me then I’d grab the nearest gay guy I could find kiss him squeeze his ass and thank you for helping find my true sexuality. 😏

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