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My experience dating a man with narcissistic personality disorder, and 10 signs to look out for with people who have this disorder, that professional counselors have helped me with. Run for the hills, FAST.

I dated this person for a year.

  1. Charm. They will make you feel very special at first. That's how they lure you in.

  2. Manipulation. [google.com]. This article explains what this means.

  3. Gaslighting. They will make you question your own reality and thoughts about their bad behaviors, using manipulation mentioned in bullet point #2.

  4. Degrading. They will degrade you, subtly. Personal example; Me: "I'm working on getting my associates degree. I'm almost done" (I'm 27). Them: When I was your age, I was already in grad school working on getting my PhD.

  5. Monopolizing the conversations. They talk at you, not with you. Example; Telling them a traumatic event you went through. They don't listen or acknowledge what you said. They jump right into talking about a traumatic event THEY went through.

  6. Constant need for admiration.

  7. They think they're better than you. They exhibit signs of arrogance and they're judgemental.

  8. A narcissistic injury: They have low self esteem. "Narcissists react negatively to perceived or real criticism or judgment, boundaries placed on them, and/or attempts to hold them accountable for harmful behavior." When this happens, they might even discard you...thats how fragile their ego is.

  9. Lack of sympathy or remorse. When you tell them that they've hurt you, they will not own up to it and will not say sorry. If they do say sorry in a rare case, it's manipulation.

  10. They do not care about you, overall. They are usually incapable of this. They put themselves first and you're simply just a pawn to them.

I like to spread awareness about this and if I help even one person, I know that I have paid it forward in the sense of saving people from being in a relationship like this for long periods of time. Being in a relationship like this will destroy you. It did for me.

They are people too and are probably hurting on the inside. They have dealt with their own traumas themselves, BUT it is not your job to fix them. It rarely ever works. Love doesn't have to hurt.

VeronikaAnnJ 7 May 22

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9 comments

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0

THANKS for the reminder.

2

I was married to a malignant, often covert, narcissist for 17 years. For a long time he had me convinced I was the one at fault and deserved the abuse. Still healing.

Deb57 Level 8 May 24, 2020

@Debt57, I'm so sorry you had to go through with that. 😟 I'm glad you got out and realized that it wasn't you who was the problem.

1

Phew, I am not one.

9

I hear you.
I was the scapegoat of a covert narcissistic and histrionic disordered mother; she died when I was 54.
Narcissistic sociopath boyfriend; just barely survived him.
After him, I reunited with my college bf. I started therapy. After 6 months, my therapist gently suggested that I was CURRENTLY being verbally and emotionally abused. Yup. Another covert narcissist. He was a whiz at playing ‘the great guy’ in the presence of others. When I left him(whereupon he screamed that I could go, but I wouldn’t get a penny), two of my family scolded me for leaving this ‘great guy’. 🙄
I got better at red flags. I stopped dating this guy after the 5th date. Lovebombing, obsessional, constant messaging. I broke it off over the phone, stating my reasons. He went psycho. Stalked and harassed me, so: restraining order.
It’s a process. I’ve been conditioned my whole life to attract narcissists. I’m learning to see the red flags sooner and run faster.

That last guy sounds Borderline… They can be ‘co-morbid,’ but his love bombing, constant contact, obsession and stalking is ‘their thing’ 😉 ..fuckin cluster B’s … Honestly, after my experience with an ‘invisible Borderline,’ I’d have voted to have them put to sleep after diagnosis..

What’s especially weird is, after learning to recognize such behavior, at least with Narcissists -- is to notice how many have been responsible for world wars and horrendous human suffering! ...given the chance, the one we’ve got in the White House would do the same.. Zero empathy 😟

@Varn He was Bipolar 1, and I think also sociopathic traits in there too. He did a lot of mirroring, being interested in all my interests...but only on a surface level. You’re right about the comorbidity. Cluster B’s are the worst.

@CarolinaGirl60 Something I learned on the long road from BPD victimhood was that many with BPD are purposefully misdiagnosed as being Bipolar for (here in the good ol’ USA) insurance reimbursement reasons..

The medical industry (rightfully) views those with BPD as being incurable, thus will not pay for any form of treatment. That was a hot topic amid our online recovery group on ‘nons,’ with most agreeing, and the occasional ‘clinician’ checking in to confirm it.

“Mirroring,” I remember it well.. My BPD experience totaled three years. Took a year and a half to figure it out, with no help from her, then equal time to realize there was nothing I could do to help. Add a comorbidity of Histrionic PD (another cluster B) - and what a show..

Caused me to gain a new, or rekindled affinity for slow, considerate, stable women.. Then planted myself near the middle of nowhere; it’s begun to feel as those days are over, the crazy crap, too 😕

@Varn Recovery has been surprisingly difficult. I’ve had the drama from my mother’s histrionics(took double her diabetes med then fell out at my cousin’s beach wedding; now nobody recalls the wedding because of the ambulance, etc. 🙄) all my life. The conflicts with her were intense. Later, the intensity with partners was different, but much stronger. I had to learn that my empathy attracted them; their initial intensity attracted me.
I’m in a FWB non-relationship now; it works because it’s respectful, we have boundaries, we can be honest with each other.
Deep down, sometimes I miss the extremes...but not for long. I’ve come too far to ever go back down that road again.

@CarolinaGirl60 An Histrionic Mom, wow. Had a friend describe how we tend to ‘marry what’s familiar.’ As the DSM-5 is even struggling with how to define BPD, as mentioned, those ‘cluster B’s’ are very closely related. So with a guy exhibiting the behavior, you may have at least found it comforting ...till the act ended..

Myself, as mentioned once before, I believe mom’s BPD and Dad’s NPD … I know I’ve traits of both… Got that empathy, though … thank ..something 😉

FWB’s, sounds fine, if ‘well defined.’ Not sure what’s up with me.. I’ve this desire to have ‘everything,’ or nothing… Recently, though marginal opportunities abound, I’ve opted for nothing.. Life’s definitely too short, though. Stay sound ~

2

I’ve experienced them too.. I know of only one who's done, and continues to do the (daily) work necessary for him to ..function as a compassionate human being. Likely why I consider him a friend.

Seems men are generally considered the Narcissists, and women get the Borderline PD diagnosis.. ‘Cluster B’s,’ they’re related. Fix within yourself whatever didn’t give you the instant instinct to run… Now that you likely recognize them by sound or scent - you’re immune 🙂

And thank you for sharing their traits. Though, we’ve now got ‘a president’ who could be considered ‘Exhibit A.’ Heal, recalibrate, process, and try again to trust ~

Varn Level 8 May 22, 2020
0

A relationship doesn't matter anymore. Women manipulate men as well. At this point, I don't even want to be bothered dealing with the process. I don't think there's anything charming about manipulative women, I see right through them. Sometimes I make err on the side of caution, pretty cynical. Once I think they're manipulating me, I ghost them. They go away eventually. So that's my advice for women as well, if you get creepy vibes, just ghost them. Don't matter how good looking they are, or how intrigued you are. Just remember, it's not worth going on with the process of dating. Just go on. After a little while you'll go on to something else.

1

That definitely sounds like me in my 20's, before I was aware I have the condition. Being an active addict didn't much help the situation either.

Like most disorders, those with it can get better if they own it and choose to work on it. I'm comfortable with myself, have transcended the need for approval and make it clear I'm not seeking a LTR before friendships become romantic.

However I generally associate with fellow creatives who can relate to the personality type if they don't have it themselves!

I'm sorry for your experience with this person and hope he decides to deal with it someway someday. Still, even at our best, those of us with NPD are not the best choices for LTRs!

2

I abide by the D.E.N.N.I.S system myself; works like a charm.

Better watch yourself. Remember Lorena Bobbit?

2

I’m so happy you’re free of this man. It’s horrible being with such a person.

On a happier note, I see you love cats. 🤗🐱❤️

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