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Unwanted Valentine’s Day Flowers? Any advice on how to handle communication (if any at all) regarding flowers from an ex, left at my door, after repeated pleas by me, over several weeks, to leave me alone?

My ex-boyfriend continues to leave things at my door, trying to seem thoughtful or helpful. It’s actually more stress than anything else for me to find these surprises, or to get a text to look on my doorstep because there’s something there that is perishable, or contains cash or cash cards. He knows I don’t want to see him, so he just drops things off, presumably trying to wear me down.

For a while, I would angrily text him that I didn’t want anything from him and drop the items back off at his place, at my earliest convenience.

I don’t need cash or food, and he knows I never accept these things, so it simply generates a bunch of texts and a visit from me to drop the stuff back to him. I don’t want to be bothered by doing that... I just want him to leave me alone.

My instinct is to just ignore - I did bring the flowers in - but did not thank him by text, as I might have when we were together. I feel that by sending a text saying “Thanks for the flowers” he might feel encouraged. I very much want to discourage him and just get back to my life without him interfering in it whatsoever.

It’s not in my nature to be rude and not acknowledge the flowers, but I’ve repeatedly asked him to stop bringing me things. I think I’m happy simply not acknowledging them in this case, to prove I really do just want him to move on and leave me alone.

What would you do in a similar situation? Ignore, or thank him?

Julie808 8 Feb 14

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When you have expressed the desire to be left alone.....shown in the nicest ways your lack of interest.....then he has shown he does not give a hoot about "your" feelings, and it is time you get past trying to not hurt his......and certainly a solid break in communication of any kind is in order. I advise you start making a record of his un-wanted advances, and try not to be surprised when he tried more forceful methods of manipulating you. Good luck.

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Thanks for the general consensus confirming my instinct to just ignore. I don’t like being rude, especially after a nice thoughtful gesture, but I think it’s the best or only way to show him I really do want him to move on and leave me alone to enjoy the rest of my life in peace. I appreciate the confirmation of my decision to be rude rather than nice to put an end to it.

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Not only would I stop reacting, or responding, I would leave whatever he drops off right where it is, and let the stuff rot, wilt, and pile up. Maybe move things aside, out of my way ...

I'm nice too - but there would be no more thanks to him for doing things I asked him NOT to do. NO MORE.

Yep, that's pretty much what I'm doing, though the flowers on my porch will go out to the trash soon enough. He's played a game for a long time where he gives me things, and then asks for them back when I ignore him, but he needs to stop it altogether. The less energy I have to spend, the better.

So far so good, he has not tried to contact me today, but the day is still young here in Hawaii. If he does attempt communication, I will ignore.

Edit: Spoke too soon - but I am ignoring.

I'm sure he won't let Valentine's Day go by without accusing me of participating in an orgy or something (only slightly kidding) so if he does actually make it through the day without contact, then he may actually have gotten the idea that it is really over. Hope so.

Good advice. Hope she heeds

1

Ignore him, and Give them to a nursing home or assisted living.. they love that stuff !

I put them back out on my front porch last night, since I think I must be allergic to some of the flowers in the arrangement. I live in a condo with a lot of snowbirds visiting this winter, and they can enjoy them as they walk by my door. (They know my story - and how this fellow has kept me from enjoying their company, over the years, so jealous he was of me socializing with these 80+ year olds.) My place resembles a nursing home in the winters, haha, but I love these old folks!

@Julie808 you have allowed this for years???? Wake up!!! Abused women have told this story for ever.. many wind up in big trouble, and you're being abused......

1

Become friends with a Police Officer and have him pay your ex a visit 😉

Well, I don't need to go that far. My neighbors and resident manager know he's not welcome, and have witnessed me asking him to leave me alone. I feel pretty protected and insulated where I live. (Small community - I've got eyes on me everywhere I go!)

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Get a court order,no contact cannot come within 500 feet or say I found someone with a much bigger dick, that Will shame him

Really good advice on the court order, though I would'nd advise confronting him.

3

He's enjoying the game. You can choose not to play. Don't return the things to him, if you can't throw them out donate them. Flowers would be great to bring to the nursing home. And stop communicating with him. Continuing to communicate is playing his game and you're staying connected.

Yes, I've stopped returning things to him. Too much trouble. I caught on to his ploy of giving me things I don't need, because he knows I would return them. Thanks for reinforcing my decision to ignore his tactics. You're right, it's a game, and I'm tired of playing it. I'm choosing my sanity over the craziness he inserts into my life.

4

Buy a new sim card for your phone. Tell your friends your new number. Every few days check your old sim or better yet get a friend to check it and tell you if there's anything important on it. That way he thinks he's still getting through to you so he doesn't start searching for your new number. Anything he gives you, dump in your rubbish. It is quite possible he checks your rubbish to keep tabs on you. If he gives you stuff and you resppnd in ANY way he is achieving his aim and he will keep doing it. Don't talk to him, don't text him, don't answer him, don't respond to him in any way. If you allow this to continue it WILL get worse.Anything you respond to in any way reinforces his behaviour and he will repeat and then exacerbate. Nice girls get killed. Be a bitch and shut this down.

Thanks, for the advice, but I just have one number for business and personal. If I were to change my number, it would be easy to find on my business website.

I've blocked him many times from my phone over the years, and then he emails me. I've been more firm this year in ignoring him, but he's persistent. If I answer him at all, it's with a repeated "stop contacting me" but I'm definitely not going to be changing my phone number over this.

I think this latest wave of attention is due to the fact that he's moving in April, possibly off island, and wants to have one last fling with all his old girlfriends before he leaves. I've also lost 10 pounds due to illness this past month, and he has commented on how "good" I look since I lost weight. (Um, I've been sick...)

He probably brought me flowers a day early because he has plans with one of his other women today, Valentine's Day, who knows. I really don't care. As I told him many times, I wish he would fall in love with someone else, and stop bothering me.

@Julie808 not being able to change phone numbers does make it far more difficult but be aware that any response by you, even a negative one, is rewarding to him. If you respond to him when he is persistent then you are rewarding him for his persistence, even if the response is negative.

Absolutely "be a bitch and shut this down", "nice girls get killed" court order, break contact completely. The whole scene.

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